So, the Old Lady was at work the other day… what’s that, kiddies? The Old Lady has a JOB???
Sure she does! You don’t think I’m making a living writing, do you? Ever heard the term “starving artist?”
Old people work too. You may have an elderly grandpa retired in Florida who works as a bagboy at Publix or an auntie who shelves books at the library, and don’t kid yourself with that crap they give you about “I was bored, I just needed something to get me out of the house.” That’s what Mah-Jongg is for. Truth is, they work because they need the money. You know how hard it is to keep putting gas in the Toyota. They do too.
ANY-way (as that cute little Ellen Degeneres says) the Old Lady was working at the drugstore where they persist in assigning her to the bowels of the Cosmetics Department.
Now, the Old Lady has never worn makeup in her life – why gild the lily? she figures – so she is totally at sea without a compass here.
First, the colors seem calculated to confuse. Did you know that beige comes in shades? There is not just Beige, but also Natural Beige, Medium Beige, Honey Beige, Warm Beige, Tawny Beige, NUDE Beige – that last one makes the Old Lady blush, she wants to keep it behind the counter, it just smacks of public indecency!
Conflicting claims are confusing, too. One product promises “maximum shimmer” but another is guaranteed “shine free.” Seems you should shop with a thesaurus. (After I wrote that, the Purple Dragon got very excited – she thinks a thesaurus is a wordy sort of dinosaur, and she demanded to know if dinosaurs get to go shopping then why don’t dragons? I had to tell her that smoking is not permitted inside the store.)
But I digress.
There is a product called “Age Defying with DNA Advantage Makeup.” Let’s skip the “Age Defying” part – what we’re defying here is logic, ladies – and address the DNA Advantage part. If you really believe that there is human genetic material in that bottle, then I’ve got some lovely waterfront property out in the Okefenokee Subdivision that I’ll sell to you for cheap.
“16 Hour Eyeshadow?” The Old Lady is doing well if she can keep her eyes open for 16 straight hours.
“Plumping Lipgloss?” What, we’re supposed to have skinny hips but fat lips are okay? Did I miss that memo?
Some of this stuff, you can’t even figure out what it’s for. “Just Bitten Kissable Balm Stain” – what part of the body do you use that on? And the “Retractable Chubby Crayon” – does this REALLY belong in Cosmetics or should it go with the coloring books over in Toys?
There’s also a “Crayon Concealer” that promises to “conceal any imperfection.” The Dragon tried this one, and she informed me disgustedly that there are imperfections in this world that no crayon can conceal.
The Old Lady and the Purple Dragon both are intrigued by “Pink Truffle Lip Butter.” It comes as luscious-looking little sticks encased in glittery gold metal containers. The name alone makes you want to gnaw on one.
The Dragon is saving up for some “Moon Candy Nail Art.” She’s trying to decide between two colors, Galactic and Cosmic. Concepts as colors? The Old Lady wishes she could show up at THAT creative brainstorming meeting with a book on proper English usage in hand.
There’s another line of nail polish with colors called “Let’s Talk” and “Let’s Meet.” The Old Lady found herself searching the box for the third in that series, to no avail. Darn. Maybe “Let’s Hook Up” is kept behind the counter, too.
Some makeup offers a “Natural Look.” The Old Lady has some advice for you: wash your face and there’s your Natural Look. Listen to the Old Lady!